I convinced my parents to let me go to Cancun on my own with the following statement: “Whoever goes with me will be bored out of their mind. I just plan on going to the conference everyday.” Sneaky, right?
so. fucking. sick.
Chinese New Year is kind of like Chinese Christmas, right?
Please Buddha, I need this.
| Prof.Sy: | Sir, are you looking up porn in class? I thought I heard some moaning come from your computer. What, am I not sexy enough for you? |
I want a boyfriend who:
- will make me mix CD’s for no apparent reason.
- is in a band.
- has best friends who think I’m amazing.
- will roam the streets of NYC at night with me until the sun comes up.
- will hold my hand.
Dear Friend,
Today I said something normal (to my standards) and you responded with, “ha, that was cute.” I ignored you but deep down I wanted to say, “HA, YOUR FACE IS CUTE.”
—Tiff Chow (the girl that has a tiny crush on you. gaaaaaaah.)
| Me: | Mom, look at my stomach. |
| Mom: | Ew, so fat. |
| Me: | I'm actually pregnant. |
| Mom: | Hah, good joke. |
| Me: | What would you do if I WAS pregnant? |
| Mom: | Kick you out of the house. No kids until marriage. |
| Me: | I'm already married. |
| Mom: | Go live at your husband's parents house then. |
| Me: | We're separated. He left me. |
| Mom: | Too bad. And you owe me rent money too then. For you and baby. That means you were eating double the food. |
| Me: | REALLY? If I was pregnant and I got secretly married and then the man left me when he found out I was having his kid you would STILL kick me out?! |
| Mom: | It's your own fault. You should have found a man who loved you. |
| Cop: | Have you been smoking? |
| Druggie: | No. |
| Cop: | Your fingers smell like burnt weed. What's that about? |
| Druggie: | I don't know. |
| Cop: | Oh, why is there a jar of weed in your jacket pocket? |
| Druggie: | It's not mine. It's not my jacket. |
| Cop: | Dude, just be honest. It's just a ticket. Man up. |
| Druggie: | Fine, I smoked a blunt. |
| Cop: | Okay, well we're going to weigh this and if its more than an ounce, you're going to jail AND getting the ticket. |
WOW. That’s been my LinkedIn name for the past year. Freakin ultimate fail.
![robots:
How to Pick Up Girls [PIC]
Use a bottle.
If I show this to my mom, this will probably be “How to Save Money. Tip from my Mom #2.” You thirsty? Pee into bottle. Drink. Oh, too dark for you? You should have drank healthy in the first place. Your fault. You want my pee?](http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kx17titLPb1qz8uqco1_500.jpg)
Use a bottle.
If I show this to my mom, this will probably be “How to Save Money. Tip from my Mom #2.” You thirsty? Pee into bottle. Drink. Oh, too dark for you? You should have drank healthy in the first place. Your fault. You want my pee?
In hopes to do well this quarter, one of my new best friends Sophia and I have made a pact. Not a pregnancy pact. That would be retarded. I meant do well academically, not maternity wise.
By week 10, we have to be all caught up with our studies and have B-’s or above in all of our classes, A’s are preferred. Realistically, we need to set our standards a tad lower just in case we don’t get a 4.0 (BECAUSE WE WANT OUR PRIZE). So anyway, if this goal is reached, we will set aside 1 day before finals for a “pre-finals” treat. Where will we go, you ask? NEWFUCKINGPORT BEACH. Why? FOR SOME DELICIOUS SPRINKLES CUPCAKES.
With that said, please hope and pray that we both rape the shit out of our classes (not literally though. well, the hope and pray part is literal. not the rape the shit out of our classes. i know i had to specify that for some of you).
In an attempt to reproduce one of the funniest pranks ever, the half-court half a million dollar shot, these high school kids promise their teacher 4 NCAA Final Four tickets.
Little Jersey Shore
| Girl: | So, like, if the Swamp Man thinks hes Dr. Wright and looks like Dr. Wright and has the same memories as Dr. Wright AND THEN happens to see the real Dr. Wright will they like fight it out to say who the real Dr. Wright is? |
| Prof.Graham: | UH, no. This is philosophy, not science fiction. |
